WHS crack, Valentine edition
by renrenren3
Summary: So, to sum it up, Petyr gives Doran chocolates for V-Day. Wait what?


**Author's Note:** Re-posting all my old ASOIAF fic from my other account. The backstory for this is that there used to be a high-school-themed RP for this fandom that produced lots of crack. Since this won't make any sense if you weren't a player, here's a summary of the relevant events.

I played Petyr, a Senior. He has a huge crush on Catelyn and asked her to Homecoming despite the fact that Catelyn already had a date. This was a huge faux pas, especially since he did so in front of Lysa who was totally hoping Petyr would ask her to go, and the friendship between Petyr and Cat is now strained.  
Meanwhile Petyr also has this epic rivalry with Doran Martell over who has the highest grades in their year. One of Petyr's few friends is Renly Baratheon, who's openly gay and earlier this year got into a fight with fundamentalist teacher Melisandre Redpriest. Ms Redpriest, Westeros High's most hated teacher, had the brilliant idea to put Doran and Petyr on a project together for their AP Government class.

Somewhere down the line me and Doran's player decided that all that rivalry and banter equals UST. When the RP crashed and died we went on writing about them. She wrote a very funny fic about working on the Redpriest project together, and then last February I wrote this.

-x-

Petyr Baelish could really learn to hate Valentine's Day.

It had seemed a good idea at the time, he reflected morosely. The problem with being smarter than average meant, in the boy's opinion, that in the rare occasions when he did something stupid he would later realize just how much of an idiot he'd been. And in this case he'd been really, terminally, hopelessly idiotic.

He'd just wanted to apologize to Cat. Tell her that he'd realized he'd been behaving like an idiot around her, that he knew she already had a boyfriend and wouldn't ever dream of coming between them.

That much he'd done, earlier in the morning. He had taken care to talk with Cat somewhere without a whole crowd of people around, just in case, and he'd recited the brief speech he'd composed earlier.

Cat had seemed... well, suspicious at first, but Petyr was so used to getting that reaction out of people that he didn't care any more. He'd apologized for creating so much drama, and his contrite face wasn't just pretense. He was really sorry he'd been such an ass, and Cat seemed sympathetic.

"I'm happy you understand," she had said with a small smile. "Though I really wish you'd act with a bit more... tact. Especially with Lysa, she was really hoping you'd ask her to Homecoming..."

Petyr winced, more at the memory of Lysa herself, but he hung his head. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I promise, it won't happen again. I just want us to stay friends."

"Of course," Cat had said, and Petyr judged this to be the good moment. He put one hand in his bag to retrieve his present, but at the sight of the small chocolate box Cat's smile had disappeared completely.

"Oh, no," she'd said. It was almost a groan. "Petyr, please, don't tell me..."

Petyr's forced smile didn't falter even in front of this unfavorable reaction. "I just though... A small token, as an apology for all I've put you through..."

Cat shook her head forcefully, grabbing her notebook with both hands and holding it in front of her almost like a shield. "I'm sorry," she said. "I can't accept chocolate from you."

"It's not for Valentine's Day," Petyr lied quickly. Too quickly. Why did his wits always abandon him around Cat?

She'd just shook his head again, then turned and walked away quickly.

-x-

Now he was sitting in a corner of the library, which looked even more empty than usual today. There was a pile of notebooks and textbooks in front of him, going largely ignored, and the object of Petyr's affliction sat on top of that.

The object itself was innocent-looking enough, just a small white box wrapped with a red bow. Cat's favorite chocolate nougats. It would be a shame to waste them, but the idea of eating them himself made him sick.

It had been such a stupid idea. He'd known it wouldn't work, and of course it hadn't. Worse, Cat probably hated him even more than before. She'd be right in thinking him an idiot too.

He wanted to apologize more than anything, but how could he approach Cat now? Everything that could have gone wrong had gone... worse. Petyr took his head in his hands and sighed.

"Peeetyr!" came Lysa's voice from behind a row of shelves. It was soon after followed by Lysa herself, looking just as perky as usual. "Hi!" she exclaimed, waving enthusiastically.

Petyr's chin slipped from his hand and his the desk with a thud. "Hi Lysa," he mumbled, massaging his chin. He should have known that the day could still get worse. "You seem... in high spirits today," he ventured.

Too late he noticed the surreptitious glance that Lysa threw at the chocolate box before answering. "Oh, nothing," she giggled. "What about you? You seem a bit pale, I hope you're not coming down with flu!"

Truth to be told, Petyr could feel a migraine approaching. He forced a smile that probably made him look as if he'd swallowed a lemon and told himself that strangling Lysa wouldn't earn him any brownie points with Cat. "I'm fine, thanks for asking," he said.

Lysa's eyes went to the chocolates again. There was a brief, awkward silence in which Petyr wished he could think of any conversation topic that didn't revolve around chocolate.

Petyr could feel the unspoken question, and tried to ignore it. Let Lysa make of it what she would. It was true that he'd promised not to hurt Lysa's feelings any more, but it wasn't as if he'd tried to give the chocolates to Cat right in front of Lysa this time.

Of course, Petyr had forgotten that this was Lysa.

"So who's the lucky girl?" she asked with a giggle.

Petyr blanched and then realized, with a start, that once again Lysa was displaying her own selective blindness. Was she really thinking that Petyr would give _her_ chocolates?

"No, this is... this is not Valentine's Day chocolates," Petyr said, recalling his conversation with Cat.

"Oh," Lysa said, surprised. "Sooo... what is this? Tell me, it's really chocolate, isn't it?" she added with a giggle, poking him in the shoulder.

Petyr fought the urge to wince. Of course, he realized, Lysa would have recognized the brand name on the ribbon. Chubby as she was, she'd probably eaten one chocolate nougat too many herself.

Think, Baelish, think.

"Yeah, it's chocolates," he said. "But it's not for Valentine's Day. It's just... uh, a present. That's all."

Lysa's eyes narrowed. "A present?" she asked. Her tone was doubtful.

Petyr nodded. "For, uh, for Doran Martell."

What? Just what did you say? Are you out of your mind?

"What?" Lysa asked, echoing his thoughts. Lysa reading his mind, now here was a scary thought. Why had he even said Martell's name, anyway?

"It's because, uh, we worked on a project lately," Petyr replied. This was true at least. Petyr relished lies that had some basis in truth. "Actually we did all of the projects for AP Government together, and since we always met at Martell's house I thought I'd give him something as a token of gratitude..."

"That's so nice of you!" Lysa exclaimed, but her voice had lost some of the usual perkiness. "Though... funny, because I thought you, like, totally didn't like Doran Martell at all..."

"And I assure you, that feeling is completely reciprocated," said Doran's voice behind them. Petyr jumped to his feet, his head snapped around and his face for once lost all of the usual composure. No, no, _no_, this was too much! There should have been a limit to the amount of rotten luck one could have in a single day!

Doran's face was only half-visible behind the pile of books he was carrying, but he was definitely not amused. "Just what are you planning now, Baelish?" he asked.

Before Petyr could think up of something to reply, Lysa piped up. "He wanted to give you chocolates," she said with a giggle that sounded to Petyr like a death sentence. "Could you believe it?"

"I don't believe it," Doran said, frowning at Petyr.

He smirked, just out of habit. Oh well, things couldn't possibly go any more wrong. Recent events had actually proved that things could always go worse, Petyr corrected himself, but at this point he didn't particularly care.

"You're so cold-hearted, Martell," Petyr said, grabbing the chocolate box and waving it under Doran's nose. "It's just a small token of gratitude for your hard work on the Redpriest projects."

Doran snorted. "Chocolates?" he asked, in the tone usually employed to inquire whether someone was on crack. Lysa was following the exchange with her mouth slightly open, and Petyr was grateful that she'd at least shut up.

"Chocolate nougats," Petyr confirmed. "For you."

"Are they poisoned?" Doran asked.

Petyr feigned an exaggerated shock. "Why, of course they aren't," he said.

"Then I don't believe it's for me," Doran said.

"Very amusing, Martell," Petyr replied with a dry chuckle. "Just take them, will you?" he said, placing the box on top of Doran's pile of books. At that, Lysa's face fell completely.

"Wait just a minute," Doran began to say, heavily setting down the books on the table, but Lysa interrupted him.

"Uhm, I'll get going, I have classes now," she said, and rushed off without looking back.

Doran glared at Petyr, then at the chocolate box. "Just what was that about, Baelish?" he asked.

Petyr noted that his face was turning purple and cheered up considerably. He'd managed to get rid of Lysa and have Doran Martell pop a vein at the same time. It was worth whatever crazy rumor Lysa would start after this.

He smirked. "Martell, you should stop being so paranoid," he said.

"I don't know why, when it's served me so well for all the years I've known you," Doran replied with a shrug. He tossed the chocolates back at Petyr. "I want no part in any of your schemes."

Petyr rolled his eyes. "It's not a scheme, it's chocolates. See?" he asked, unwrapping the box. He held it out to Doran with an encouraging grin which completely failed to get any reaction apart from an even more unimpressed stare.

Petyr shrugged and popped one of the chocolates into his mouth. "Well, no point in wasting them," he muttered, his mouth half-full. "They're good. And completely devoid of poison. Are you going to say anything or are you just trying to see if you can kill me with your piercing stare?"

"I was just trying to figure what's your problem," Doran replied. He looked thoughful. "Why would you... Oh, never mind, I just figured it out," he said. "You've been harassing Catelyn again, haven't you?"

"Impressive powers of deduction," Petyr replied with a grimace. "Not so impressive choice of vocabulary. Harassing? Please. How come everyone is making such a big deal out of _chocolates_?"

It was Doran's turn to roll his eyes. "You know that she has a boyfriend, and still..."

That was more than Petyr cared to listen. He quickly popped one of the chocolates in Doran's mouth. "Yes, yes, I know," he said, taking advantage of the fact that Doran was half-choking and couldn't reply. "But I don't see why she couldn't just accept, it wasn't as if I was trying to ask her out or anything. You don't think that giving chocolates equals saying I want to get into her panties, do you?"

Doran gulped down the chocolate. Now he was positively glowering. "I really hope not," he said stiffly.

Petyr smiled innocently. "You don't have to worry about that. So do you like chocolate nougats?"

"They're a bit too sweet for my taste," Doran replied. His scowl deepened as he seemed to remember something. "What about Lysa? Exactly what did you tell her this time?"

Petyr ignored the question and helped himself to another chocolate. "Sorry about that, next time let me know in advance about your preferences."

"Baelish, what did you tell Lysa?" Doran insisted.

"Nothing, really," Petyr replied. "Didn't you hear our conversation? I told Lysa that the chocolates were for you, which is, incidentally, the truth..."

Doran's face went pale. "You told her that you were giving _me_ chocolates for Valentine's Day," he said.

"Actually you'll remember I gave you the chocolates right in front of her," Petyr remarked with a smirk. "I never said anything about Valentine's Day. Just what...?"

Doran grabbed Petyr's shoulders, almost making him choke on the last nougat. "Baelish, this is Lysa Tully we're talking about. She's going to tell the whole school that we're going out before the end of next period!"

"I thought it'd be a great joke," Petyr smirked. "Who's going to believe it anyway?"

"You... don't tell me you didn't think about it!" Doran's face was positively white now. "Redpriest. Our project is due for marking before her next class."

Now it was Petyr's time to feel faint. "If she catches wind of this..."

Doran nodded. Petyr cursed under his breath. "I think a truce is in order," he said.

"Yes, I'll think about how to kill you for this _after_ we stop Lysa."

They rushed out of the library, rivalry forgotten as they attempted to salvage their AP Government marks.


End file.
